


Let the pain go: it's time to move on and be happy again.

by lydiamxrtin



Series: Malex week 2020 [2]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25271899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamxrtin/pseuds/lydiamxrtin
Summary: Day 2 (July 14th) - Tropes: and there was only one bed + Character A has a nightmare about something bad happening to Character B and only character B can comfort them + declarations of love...it's a real feast here
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Series: Malex week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1828822
Comments: 10
Kudos: 77





	Let the pain go: it's time to move on and be happy again.

**Author's Note:**

> Day 2! Hope you guys are enjoying Malex week, thank you so much for the feedback on the first day I'm glad you guys enjoyed!

Alex looked out of the window as he sat in Michael's truck. They'd spent all day investigating some project Shepard leads that could give them more information about the aliens, but; they'd found nothing. They were heading back to Roswell and had been on the road for hours. Alex shifted uncomfortably in the seat, looking over at Michael who was focused on the road. Alex wanted to say something but he didn't know what, after everything that had happened at Caulfield; Alex felt a shiver run through him and a wave of sickness at the thought of that place, it had been about a week and Michael and Alex hadn't spoken about it, hell they'd barely spoken at all if he was honest. The other day he'd been going through some of his dad's old files and thought he might have found another location where they could have held information, but he'd been wrong. Alex hadn't been able to get what had had happened out of his mind, the noise, the heat the ash. Alex clenched his hands, the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach had been there all week and showed no sign of leaving-

"What you thinking?" Michael said, causing Alex to jump a little. Alex looked back over at Michael who was in the driver's seat, "You got that...serious look on your face?" Michael said, flicking his eyes from the road to Alex.

Alex took in a large breath, shaking his head a little, "Just...work stuff," he lied, giving Michael a small smile. Michael seemed to look at Alex for a moment before turning back to the road. Michael gave a yawn, stretching in his seat. "Maybe you should let me take over, you've been driving for hours?" Alex asked. Michael shook his head, straightening in his seat more.

"Nah, it's fine, get some rest I -" Michael was interrupted by a loud bang from outside, the car veering to the side of the road. Alex gripped the dashboard in front of him, the loud noise causing a rope to tighten around Alex's lungs, making breathing a little harder.

"What the hell was that?" Alex managed to gasp.

Michael jumped out of the truck, "Damit!" He heard Michael call, "We blew a tire," he said.

Alex pushed open his door, stepping outside and walking around to where Michael was, who was crouched down looking at the deflated tire. "Do you have a spare?" Alex asked the look he got from Michael told him no. Alex sighed, "It's like 3am no tow truck is going to come out in the middle of nowhere to take us back to Roswell,"

Michael stood up, looking around, "Will have to call in the morning," He said, walking back over to his door,

Alex felt the anxious energy that seemed to be ever-present in him lately rise even more, "So we're stuck out here?"

"Afraid so Manes," Michael called from inside the truck bed. Alex felt his stomach cramp at the word 'Manes', Alex didn't want to be associated with his fathers legacy but Alex knew he always would be. After a moment Micheal appeared again, in his arms what looked like blankets and pillows, probably from behind the seats.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked as Michael walked to the bed of the truck, throwing the quilts into it.

Michael jumped into the bed of the truck, opening the blanket and laying it down before throwing some pillows at the top and finally another blanket on top. "Well I don't know about you but at some point, I wanna sleep," Michael said while moving things around.

Alex walked closer to the bed of the truck, "In the truck bed?" He asked, his eyebrows pulled together in concern.

Alex turned around, nodding at Alex. Michael gave a small laugh before sitting down at the top of the truck bed, his back leaning against the back windshield, "Come on Alex, you've done it before,"

Alex shifted on his feet, it was true, Alex had shared the truck bed with Michael before when they were kids and they'd sneak off into the desert and just lie there for hours. Alex felt his lungs tighten again, those happy memories forever tainted by the heartache that came just after. "Yeah, when we were kids," Alex replied.

Michael crossed his arms over his chest, "Well, you can sleep in the front if you want but, pretty sure this is better," he said, leaning his head back to look up at the sky. Alex sighed, Michael was right, the front seats weren't comfortable when just sitting in them let alone sleeping. Alex looked at the truck bed, it somehow looking smaller now he knew he would be sharing it with Michael. Alex pulled himself up onto the ledge, he thought about taking his prosthetic off but they were still in the middle of nowhere, no idea what kind of threats were about. Alex sighed, knowing he would regret sleeping with his prosthetic on tomorrow but shuffled backwards till his back hit the back of the cab. They just sat in silence for a moment, the warm night air settling around them.

"You see that," Michael suddenly said, reaching out and pointing into the sky, "That's Saturn," He said, moving his finger a little to the side. "And that Jupiter," Alex looked at the small planets, the light of them flickering a little, "And the stars around Jupiter, there actually it's four moons, Io, Europa, Ganymede and-"

"Callisto," Alex finished, a small smile on his face, he looked over at Michael who looked surprised and maybe a little impressed. Alex gave a small chuckle, "You showed me once when we were kids," Alex quietly said, looking back up at the planets. Alex can still hear 17 years old Michael teaching him about the stars and planets, pointing out every constellation he could see. "I use to try and find them when I was on patrol out in the desert," Alex admitted, he'd lost track of the number of times he'd be crouched in some hole in the desert, or in some bush and had just watched the stars, Michael's voice in his head telling him about them, "Reminded me of home," Alex softly said. Alex pulled his head down for a moment to look over at Michael, "I'm sorry we didn't find anything today," He said.

Michael looked over at Alex, pulling his lip into a thin line for a moment before sighing, "It's alright, I didn't think we would anyway," He confessed, "Pretty sure I lost the chance to find out more when Caulfield..." Michael stopped talking, looking away from Alex.

To say what happened that day had strained Michael and Alex's friendship was an understatement, Alex could barely look at Michael sometimes without the sickening guilt and shame almost choking him. As for Michael, he hadn't really spoken about it, but he didn't have to for Alex to know how hard he took it. Alex felt shifting next to him and saw that Michael had laid down, his arms laid on his chest. Alex looked up at the planets again, before moving himself to lie down, making sure there was plenty of space between the pair. Alex looked up at the night sky, his eyes starting to drift close as the noise of the wind was all that was to be heard.

_Alex looked around where he stood, there was just rubble, broken buildings and ash fell from the sky like snow. Around him, several people were screaming and yelling, gunshots causing Alex's ears to ring. Alex quickly ducked down, covering his ears. Alex quickly looked around, his old platoon was running past him, guns raised as they headed towards a building. Alex wanted to scream at them to stop, the ran after them but he was frozen, he'd seen this before, he knew how this ended. The second they got inside that building they would be dead, Alex squeezed his eyes shut, trying to focus on moving or speaking but nothing happened, Alex opened his eyes again to see the last member of his Platoon enter the building, Alex could only watch as he heard the gunshots from inside the building, a never-ending chorus of them before silence. Alex could feel the tears making there way down his cheek but he could do nothing to stop them. He squeezed his eyes tight and opened them again. Alex was stood on the collapsed remains of a building smoke and fire still around him, Alex turned around trying to figure about where he was._

_"This is your fault," A voice said, and Alex spun around to see Michael stood a few steps away from him, his clothes covered in ash and scorch marks. "You did this to my family," Michael called, pointing to the rubble behind. Alex looked down for a moment and then around him. Alex felt like something had squeezed his heart, his lungs feeling like they'd been dropped in frozen water; they were at Caulfield, or what was left of it._

_"Michael-" Alex tried to say but Michael stepped forward, his eyes one of pure rage and hatred._

_"If it wasn't for you they would still be alive, they'd still be here," He screamed, "You say were family...we're not," He taunted, "Your family killed mine,"_

_Alex felt more tears spill over as he tried to step closer to Michael but he kept moving away, "I never meant for this to happen-'_

_"You never do, but death and pain, it follows you, Alex," Michael jeered, shaking his head, "All those people you killed when you were 'protecting our country,'" He mocked, "How many of them were guilty, how many of them deserved to die," Alex just stared on horror, his hands clenched next to him, "Everyone says you're a hero but you're not," Michael quietly said, his voice cold and stern, "You're a murderer, just like your dad," Michael yelled, this time with hot rage. Alex reached up to cover his ears again unable to hear anymore, he back away from Michael who was still speaking but Alex could no longer hear. Alex tripped on some rubble and fell to the ground, looking up at the sky; dark with no stars or planets insight. Alex twisted on the floor, trying to push himself up off the ground when he saw a body twisted in the rubble, looking back up at him; Michael, "You're going to get me killed, just like you do everyone else," He said, his skin pale and eyes fading. Alex cried out, trying to pull the stones away but none of them moved, Alex tried moving a large rock, but nothing worked, he watched as Michael somehow seemed to disappear further into the rubble and ash "MICHAEL," Alex screamed, his voice coarse and broken. Alex closed his eyes for a second before he felt something grab his arm, dragging him away from Michael. Alex cried trying to push whoever it was away, he could hear someone saying something but couldn't make it out. "Michael!" he cried again, pushing the hands away as they seemed to grab his face._

"ALEX!" The voice cut through Alex's mind, "ALEX wake up!" Alex's eyes shot open as he surged forward, he could feel someone grabbing his arm and he reached out to shove them, away, he had to get to Michael. "Hey, hey it's just me," Alex tried to take in air but found his lungs had stopped working, his eyes frantically looked around but it was too dark to see. Alex felt hands on the side of his face, holding his head still, Alex reached up to push them when he locked eyes with someone in front of him "It's Michael, it's okay, you're okay," Michael; Alex thought. He felt his lungs aching from the lack of air, he just stared forward at Michael who was looking at him with furrowed brows, "Breathe, you're okay," Michael kept saying he was okay but Alex didn't believe him, Alex tried to breathe but found his lungs still weren't working, he felt as one of Michael's hands fell from his face and grabbed Alex's hand, placing it on his chest, "Copy my breathing," Alex watched as Michael made his breathing obvious, keeping one hand on Alex's cheek. Alex copied Michael's breathing, the rope around his lungs loosening, and after a moment Alex could breathe normally. Michael kept Alex's hand on his chest and his eyes on Alex. Alex looked over Michael; he was okay, there were no ash or scorn marks; he was okay. Then Alex heard Michael's voice in his head again _"You're going to get me killed, just like you do everyone else,"_ Alex tugged his hand away from Michael, bringing it into his own chest. Alex looked around to confirm where he was; not Iraq, not Caulfield but in Michael's truck in the middle of the road. Alex pulled himself forward in the truck, moving until his legs were hanging off the edge bed of the truck. Alex looked down and saw his hands were still shaking, he clasped them tighter in his lap.

Alex tried to concentrate on the breeze around him, he heard some noise from the truck bed behind him, noticing in his peripheral vision that Michael had come to sit next to him, giving him plenty of space. "You wanna talk about it?" He asked, his voice gentle and comforting.

Alex looked over at Michael, his eyes not holding the rage and hatred they had had before in the dream; it was dream Alex kept telling himself, it wasn't real, but that just didn't seem enough. Alex squeezed his eyes shut, a few leftover tears making there way down his face, "I'm so sorry Michael," Alex croaked.

Michael reached out and tentatively placed his hand on Alex's shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. "Hey you don't have to say sorry, it was a nightmare you-"

Alex shook his head, clenching his hands more, "Not about that," he quietly said "About Caulfeild," Alex finally confessed.

Neither spoke for a moment, the hand on Alex's shoulder slipped away and Alex felt the knot in his stomach tighten. "Alex-" Michael started.

"You had a chance to find out about your family and-and mine killed them," Alex half sobbed, he looked up at the sky but could no longer see the stars and planets through his teary eyes. "I keep trying to help and to fix things but I just end up making it worse and it can never fix what I've done, the people I've hurt-"

Michael slipped off the truck bed and stood in front of Alex, reaching out to take his hands in his, "Hey stop," Michael reassured "What happened at Caulfield was not your fault Alex-"

Alex stood up and moved passed Michael, turning to face him. "Isn't it? I brought you out there, my brother was the one in charge of the place and-"

"Stop, stop-" Michael reached out and tried to take Alex's hands again but Alex moved back, "Alex I don't blame you for what happened at Caulfield, that wasn't your fault," Michael's voice sounding honest but Alex couldn't quite believe it.

Alex took in a large breath, his lower lip shaking, "And what about when I was at war, the things I did-"

Michael stepped closer to Alex, but Alex backed away, the ground beneath him feeling uneven, "Look I don't know what you did when you were there but I know you were just following orders-"

"And that makes it okay?" Alex yelled, he shook his head, a few more tears making their way down his face. "I killed people Michael, I hurt people!" Alex wept, "And I'm going to get you hurt or worse you said it yourself-"

Michael shook his head, stepping forward again, his hands out to the side. "Woah woah when?" Michael asked, after a moment or two Michaels face softened, "Alex whatever happened in your dream, it wasn't real, it was a nightmare" Michael consoled,

Alex turned away from Michael, unable to look at him, "You were hurt and-and it was my fault-" He sobbed, wrapping his arms around himself, hoping that somehow it would make him feel better, "and then I was back in Iraq and I couldn't help any of them and-and-" Alex choked on his words, looking down at the floor.

Michael seemed to take the opportunity to walk forward, reaching out to carefully turn Alex back around to face him, moving his hands up to embrace Alex's face "Hey, hey it's okay, I'm okay, I'm right here Alex," Alex looked at Michael, once again scanning his body to make sure he was okay.

Michael leaned his head forward, resting his forehead on Alex's. "I can't lose you," Alex whispered.

"You aren't going to," Michael said, Alex squeezed his eyes shut tighter, Michael pulled back and Alex opened his eyes to see Michael's face still a few inches away from his. "I'm not going anywhere," Michael said with determination, "And what happened at Caulfield, that wasn't your fault, you were trying to help, trying to save them," Alex bit the inside of his cheek, he wanted to believe Michael so bad, wanted to know he was good, wasn't like his father but it was _so god damn hard._

"But I didn't," Alex whispered.

"Alex that wasn't your fault, you are not your family, you are better than them, you are good," Michael pleaded. Alex said nothing, unsure what to say. Michael took in a deep breath, squeezing his own eyes shut for a moment. Michael took another step forward, his hands still on the side of Alex's face. "I lied," Michael declared. Alex frowned _so it was my fault_ Alex thought, he felt a tear run down his face, Michael moved his thumb to wipe it away, brushing his thumb against his face, "When I said I didn't love you, I do," Alex felt his heartbeat quicken, his breath getting stuck in his throat. A small smile came across Michael's face, "Because you are one of the kindest and most thoughtful people I've ever met," Alex felt his lower lip tremble, Michael slide his hands down from Alex's face, until he reached his hands, gripping them tight. "You are not a killer," Michael said, with all the determination in the world, his eyes never leaving Alex's. "Say you believe me," Michael pleaded.

Alex opened his mouth and then closed it, taking in all the information; _Michael loved him_ , Alex felt the sick feeling in his stomach start to dissolve until he could barely feel it. "Okay," Alex said, trying to make his voice sound strong. "I believe you," Alex finished. If Alex was honest, he wasn't sure what he believed, but Michael believed in him and for now, that was enough. Alex felt a smile grow on his own face, reaching his eyes, this time filling with joyful tears. "I love you too," Alex said, Michael's smile grew as he stepped forward, on hand coming up to Alex's face, brushing his cheek. Alex stepped forward, inches away from Michael's face. Michael closed the gap, placing a light kiss on Alex's lip. Alex reached up and placed his hand on top of Michael's as the kiss deepened. After a moment they pulled away, resting their foreheads on each other "So now what," Alex breathed.

Michael turned his hand around to entwin it with Alex's, letting it drop in front of them. "Now...now we get some rest," Michael said, "and tomorrow..." Michael sighed, looking up at the sky, then back at Alex. "I don't know but whatever happens, we'll deal with it, together." Michael smiled, tilting his head to the side. Michael started to walk towards the truck bed, letting go of Alex's hand to climb in, reaching out to take Alex's hand as he climbed up. The pair led back down in the same position as last time, this time, little to no space between them. Michael let go of Alex's hand, moving it around behind Alex. Alex shifted, moving to lie his head on Michael's chest, his hands resting on the side of Michael's face, gently smoothing his cheek. He knew it was a nightmare, he knew Michael was safe but he just needed to be sure, to feel him. Alex closed his eyes, listening to Michael's steady heartbeat as Michael wrapped his arms around Alex. "We're going to be okay," Michael whispered, placing a kiss on top of Alex's head. Alex turned his head to the side, looking up at the sky.

Alex could clearly make out Jupiter and Saturn still, both flickering bright against the dark sky. Alex used to watch the stars to remind himself of home, of Michael. Alex turned his head to look up at Michael, whose eyes were closed, peacefully sleeping. Alex closed his own eyes, no longer need a reminder of home, because here with Michael, he was home.


End file.
